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The following article was emailed to me by my good friend (and FAG ASS) Unit3. Although not written by him, this document contains all of the information needed to argue (and win) exactly how he always does. Pay very special attention as you never know when you may need to use these in a real life situation...
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
- Drink Liquor.
But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
- Make things up.
DON'T say:
"I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say:
"The average Peruvian's salary in 1998 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. "Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You have a bit of spinach in your tooth."
- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-a-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
The best are:
- You're begging the question.
- You're being defensive.
- Don't compare apples and oranges.
- What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa."
You say, "You're being defensive."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.
Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons