|Jan 06, 2002|
Memorable Quotes from Saturday Night
you don't get to know who said them, because you might tell Steven, and he doesn't get to know
"OH MAN! That girl has her hand on the other girl's boobie!"
"There's lots of lesbians here."
"Nathan, you are full of shit. I mean, I'm full of shit, but someday I aspire to be as completely full of shit as you are."
"So this is the Pat."
"In my chest beats a regulation size NFL football. My skin is covered with the chalk of the fifty yard line."
"Ok, next Saturday we have to go back to the Pat so I can wheel the beer tub girl."
DARREN MILLS HAD BETTER BE CLEAN.
"Oh my God! She is so hot! I can't even look at her, it hurts my eyes. It is like staring at the sun. That is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life!"
"She's not that great"
"Good, you stay away from her ... Oh crap. She has a boyfriend."
"Well, you win some, you lose some."
"The football has just been torn from my chest."
"I have ovaries. They're just undecended testes. I am glad I am fertile. Being barren is uncool."
"She's crazy. I mean, put it this way. I went to her place a while back, and you know, hung out and had some coffee. When I left, I forgot one my CD's that we were listen to. Instead of going back to get it, I decided to buy it again."
"Woah, I'm in love with that girl."
"What's she doing working at the 7-11?"
"Head like a hole, black as your soul, I'd rather die than give you control. FUCK YOU, ANTICHRIST. YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"
"Viking 2-6, this is Blue Velvet."
"Roger Blue Velvet, this is Viking 2-6. We are about 5 clicks your november, over ... Blue Velvet, this is Viking 2-6, we are under heavy fire, over"
"Viking 2-6, you're in the back seat of my car."
"Caution, Blue Velvet, your coming into a hot LB."
"Hey, check out GI Jane over there."
"Hey dude, she's setting us up with GI Jane."
"I hate Charton Heston. You're going down, antichrist!"
"He was Moses."
"It's ok, I just got stopped by the cops last night."
"I love her, she's the reason I come here."
"Head like a hole, black as your soul, I'd rather die than give you control. FUCK YOU, BUSH. DON'T FUCK WITH MY CARIBOU, MY CARIBOU!!!"
Graeme is gay.
"If some guy tries to get in my pants, I'll bite his face off. I had a dream that I did that."
"RUN RUN RUN!"
"C'mon hurry, get in the car! get in the car!"
"she's gonna kill us! fuck!"
"GO GO GO!"
|Dec 17, 2001|
I Heart Girls
I mostly just think about girls, so I thought I'd put up an Rblords update that reflects that sentiment. In this update you will find several girls that I am madly in love with. Each of these girls is a 10 on my list, so I decided to do some other rankings. You will find scores out of ten for each girl in three categories. Fun, depicting how enjoyable spending time with her would be, Problems, depicting how much inconvenience I would experience, and Pain, depicting how much injury and suffering I would sustain. If you can email me their names, you will win the prize. This week, the prize is Dog Pound's self respect. I apologize in advance for using the term PDA in this article. The first person to forgive me for it wins Dog Pound's Limp Bizkit CD. Also, you can email me telling me which girl you think would be the best choice for me, and why, and I will see about posting your comments in a future update.
Here is a list of previous contest winners:
- Dog Pound's Minidisc player was won by Darren Mills
- Dog Pound's computer speakers were won by Dog Pound
- Choice of one item from Dog Pound's Bedroom was won by Dog Pound
- Dog Pound's services as butler for a week was not won by anyone.
- Dog Pound's Aliens Special Edition DVD was won by Graeme Humphries
- Vance Lester's flat panel monitor was won by Graeme Humphries
- Everything Vance Lester owns was won by Graeme Humphries
Bryce Sasko is a short man that will fuck you up
Girl Number One
Girl Number One is truly a princess. She is so hot. I think about her daily and nightly.
I think she'd like to go to parks with me and just kind of hang out. I think she'd want to talk my ear off, and that would be alright. She's probably pretty smart. I bet she'd like also like to make fun of other people with me. We'd go to Booster Juice lots and she'd call me dumb when I'd talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger .
The problem with dating this girl would be that the guy on the left would keep hassling us and calling me Wang Chung. He'd be mad because he's an asshole. He'd yell at me lots until I'd want to cry but wouldn't because I can't. Then he'd want to fight me. I think I can take him.
Fun Factor: 7
Pain Factor: 3
Who'd be in charge?: She would.
Girl Number Two
Girl Number Two is an absolute angel. I heart her very much.
We'd drive around in my truck and listen to CJWW because that's all you can get on my radio. But that would be good enough because she'd know all the lyrics to every song Alabama ever wrote, and sing along all the time. We'd stop at Dairy Queen to get milkshakes, and then we'd sit around watching the cars go by. We'd also go on road trips often, to places like 39 mile junction and the Blacktop Diner, just for fun.
There's this rock star goblin that would be constantly sending me on a demon hell ride. He'd mess up my artwork in a big way. I'd always be having to figure out his tricks and deceptions. He's mad because the 70's are over, and nobody told him. I think I could kick his ass.
Fun Factor: 8
Pain Factor: 3
Who'd be in charge?: I would.
CKB is the main man in the Hall. He's down with all the civic sweeties.
Girl Number Three
Girl Number Three is amazing. She is very athletic, and full of energy.
We'd exercise lots and go do martial arts in the park. She'd probably really like my nunchaks. When we weren't working out, we'd be enjoying nature. We'd spend many summer days camping at lakes, and we spend many evenings at The Pat. She'd probably also have a great time coming with me visiting my many friends. I think she'd really enjoy Busby's Monaco Hell Ride.
This total goof ball would keep hasling me, and trying to kill me. He's mad because sunlight burns him. I'm pretty sure I can take him, but he can fly, which makes things harder.
Fun Factor: 9
Pain Factor: 2
Who'd be in charge?: I would.
Girl Number Four
Girl Number Four is a like a diamond. How her heart sings.
We'd spend lots of time walking. I think she'd really enjoy things like picnics and trips to the art gallery. She wouldn't talk very much about nothing in particular, but when she did talk, it would really count. She'd be the strong silent type, but when she gets angry, watch out! I think her and I would be a couple of raging alcoholics, because she'd really be into getting drunk and cutting loose, because she is so in control most of the time. Her and I would probably get into lots of trouble. But, with any luck, her dad is rich.
First off, this magical undead guy would be coming around and singing to me and making me see snakes. He's funny, but he's also a big asshole, and wears out his welcome fast. He's mad because he's dead. He'd also be hitting on my girl, so I'd have to kick his ass, and that shouldn't be too hard. The alien would be a nuisance, because it has acid for blood, and two mouths. The aliens are mad because they are ugly. These things are just plain rude, and would also be trying to eat us, and lay eggs in our mouths. This would make it hard to go anywhere and have a good time, due to a fear of dying. I'd have to fight them all the time. We'd be at the GNC so I could pick up some stuff, and then the alien would show up and tear the store apart. The alien would be hissing and drooling and swinging it's tail, and I'd look at it and say, "Fuck with me, and find out." And then we would battle. I think I could take the alien, but it would hideously scar me with it's acid blood and double mouth.
Fun Factor: 6
Pain Factor: 25,000
Who'd be in charge?: She would, but it wouldn't look like it.
Girl Number Five
Girl Number Five is what is right about America.
Her and I would go clubbing lots. We'd also drive around in my camaro looking for people that are playing football that I can challenge. Then we'd hustle them somehow. We'd make lots of money, and to impress her, I'd hire Guns N' Roses to come and put on a private show for us. I'd set up lots of drywall in my garage for them to break. She'd be so happy, she'd start to cry. Then we'd go get slurpees.
There's these two assholes that would keep showing up and putting me through tables when we were out dating. It would get to be very hard on my back. These guys are mad because they have the same mom, but different dads. I think I could take them.
Fun Factor: 7
Pain Factor: 8
Who'd be in charge?: I would.
Girl Number Six
Girl Number Six is a Dixie Land Delight.
Her and I would spend a lot of time on her uncle's farm, because that is where she likes to be. I'd also have fun there too. She'd get mad at me because I'd spend too much time ripping shit with her cousins instead of spending time with her, but I would just kiss her until she'd shut up, and then we'd go off-roading in her jeep. I think I'd take her to the long branch, because she likes country music.
This fat bastard with a big hat would be messing with me all the time. He's mad because he got fat. He'd have the GRC all over me. Lucky for me, the GRC would be dumber than normal, because he only hires really stupid people. I'd kick his ass.
Fun Factor: 8
Pain Factor: 2
Who'd be in charge?: The Mopar.
It's a hard life living a lie. I HEART BOOBS AND THAT'S THE TRUTH!
Girl Number Seven
Girl Number Seven is a totally rad girl
I think we'd be very active. We'd work out together, and then go out for Chinese food. I think she'd enjoy supporting me in my athletic endeavors, as I would certainly enjoy supporting her. We'd spend lots of time throwing things at cars from the overpass. I think she'd also like it when I'd sing pop music for her.
The Soviet Union. They'd be on me like giant bag of hammers. They'd be constantly trying to take her away form me, because they are communists. They're mad because McDonald's costs too much in their country. I'd have to fight them in many nations. I'm pretty sure that I can take the Soviet Union.
Fun Factor: 7
Pain Factor: 4
Who'd be in charge?: I would.
Girl Number Eight
Girl Number Eight is stellar!
I think girl number eight would be into partying down hard. I also think she'd like going bowling, which is good, because we'd be bowling lots. I think she'd like dining out often, and at different places. I think she'd enjoy just getting out in general, and having fun.
This Star Trek asshole, he'd always be beaming me away from her, and I'd have many hard journeys. He's mad because he never learnt how to read. He'd tell me that I'm illogical, and I'd tell him that "Mama said to knock you out." I think he'd probably use his phaser on me lots, because he is a prick. I could still kick his ass, though.
Fun Factor: 8
Pain Factor: 4
Who'd be in charge?: She would.
HAIL TO THE KING, BABY!
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|Nov 30, 2001|
Soul D Review's DRAGON FIST
I know someone that talks on the phone when pooping.
Starring Jackie Chan
1979. Jackie Chan is a student in a martial arts school that is very happy because their master just won a big tournament. The school was gleefully carrying away their prize, a giant sign, when another martial arts school approached them. The master of this school challenged Jackie Chan's master, and mercilessly beats him, giving him fatal injuries. This master steals the giant sign, and then destroys the other giant sign that Jackie Chan's school had.
Later, the mean master's wife kills herself so that the gods will not take anger with her husband for the murder he committed. This breaks the mean master, as he realizes how selfish and rude he was in killing the master of the other kung-fu school. Another Kung-Fu school shows up, and starts killing the mean master's men, secretly. It is evident that a war is going on.
Jackie Chan travels hundreds of miles to gain vengeance for his master. He beats up a bunch of people that get in his way, and then he eventually arrives at the mean master's school. The master demands that all of his students treat Jackie with respect, as he owes him a debt. Jackie Chan, his foster mom, and his foster sister sit down with the master and his daughter. The master asks Jackie Chan if is okay if he comes back in three days to collect what he is owed. Jackie agrees.I'm afraid of the candyman.
Jackie Chan returns to collect his vengeance, but offers forgiveness when the master presents Jackie with a giant gold sign to replace the one he broke, as well as his own severed leg in a box. Jackie leaves and gets really upset.
Meanwhile, this other kung-fu school poison's Jackie Chan's foster mom so that he will do their dirty work in exchange for the antidote. Jackie Chan is framed for the murder of the masters grandson. The masters school is framed for the murder of Fatso. Fatso is some big guy that was killing lots of people. Jackie Chan shows up to the masters school again with the other kung-fu clan and
apologizes to the crippled master for having to do what he is. Eventually, everyone starts fighting, and most of the students are killed. The evil kung-fu clan orders Jackie Chan to kill the master and his disciples. The evil clan has Jackie Chan's foster mom held hostage. She tells Jackie not to kill the master, and then suddenly dies. Jackie opens a can of whoop-ass on this guy that happened to be in arms length. Then he kills all the people in the evil clan. Then really really big letters come up spelling "THE END."
Kurt Angle Don't Surf.
And in other news, Dog Pound won the song lyric contest again by correctly identifying the lyric "In my arena you will fail" as belonging to the song "Scrum" by Slayer, so he gets to keep his computer speakers. This next contest is for Dog Pound's Aliens Special Edition DVD. Can you name the song and band that spawned this lyric?
You might be the chosen one at junior high tonight.
Email your answers to Soul D. And for crying out loud, is there somone out there that can impound the pound? Oh yeah, there are secrets in this update too....
One time four really bad men went downtown and caused a ruckus. Most of them were sent away on the hell city bus, but one had to be stopped by spiderman. That man was Hugh Grant.
|Nov 26, 2001|
MEET ME AT THE PAT!!!
I'm sorry I got fat
Come to the Patricia Hotel! Have great fun, meet many new and interesting people, and stand in line for hours! That was the scene Saturday night. After travelling the great trek to Humboldt in Young Chris's carriage, I made plans with Blue 4130 to head down to the Pat. His fine older sister, Danielle, decided to join us. We could not convince Brian to accompany us. Much like a disenchanted Mr. Clean, he decided to stay home and watch Voyager. One day, we will convince Brian to join us in our rambling.
We arrived at the Pat close to Ten, and stood in line for half an hour to get inside. The wait would have been considerably longer, except that we started waiting at the front of the line instead of the back. Don't ask me how we do it, we just, uh, do it. After we were granted entrance to the temple of debauchery, we stood in line at the coat check. After relinquishing our coats to the care of the staff, we then stood in line at the ATM. With our bills in hand, we stood in line at the bar. Finally, at Eleven, we had beers in hand and a party in our hearts that everyone was invited to.I HEART BOOBS
Five Good Tunes I Heard at the Pat:
Nickelback How You Remind Me
Captain Tractor Last Saskatchewan Pirate
Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby JON
Poison Talk Dirty to Me VOIGT WUZ
Alien Ant Farm Smooth Criminal HERE
The bar was absolutely hopping. We found many people that we knew, and many that we were just meeting. Donnelly was there, Hubbs too, and Bill. The girls at the Pat were are all very friendly, and very frisky. Perhaps even unladylike. But, I suppose it's alright if the lady's like copping a feel once in a while. I can accept that. Blue 4130 certainly received his fair share of smacks on his bottom, and most of those were from girls.
The Pat has a decent dance floor, and a good selection of music. They play everything from rap and dance, to full out rock, and even a little country. I was there, shaking it down with the mad party crowd. I think that the esteemed Wesley Willis would have said "The mad dance party jam session the Pat was pounding out really whipped a horse's ass with belt." In fact, there was one short guy in attendance that looked like he just got off the Hell City Bus.
I saw this red haired girl at the art show I went to on Friday, she was real cute. I did everything right, up until the point where I'd have to talk to her. Oh well, I still got my free beer.|
As the evening wound down it was clear that the Pat was an excellent choice for our activities. I have enjoyed the Pat to the utmost on every visit I have made.
In other news, Dog Pound won the song naming contest. No one named the mystery lyrics. The new contest offers Dog Pound's computer speakers as a prize. Can you name the band that wrote this lyric?
In my arena you will fail.
Email Soul D with your answer. And of course, I have hidden secret messages in this update that you will have to highlight for sight.
|Nov 23, 2001|
Some of the best song lyrics this year has had to offer.|
Identify them all, and email email@example.com with your answers.|
The prize in this contest is one item from Dog Pound's bedroom.|
You may have anything in there.|
All of these songs have been released as singles for airplay. |
They have all been played on one of our radio stations, or on Much Music.|
1) This time I was mistaken,|
For giving you a heart worth breaking.|
2) He's too stoned, nintendo.|
3) They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough.|
4) He lives on my block, and he drives an IROC.|
5) You must have been sent from up above. |
6) Why'd you have go and be somebody like you?|
7) Rolaids, Pepto, and Tums! |
8) I'm the definition of half man, half drums.|
9) It was way back in the corner of this old ramshackle barn,|
thirty years of dust and dirt on that green army tarp.|
When I pulled the cover off it took away my breath,|
what she'd called a Chevy was a sixty six corvette.|
10) So sorry, it's over.|
So guess, guess away. As well, I have a bonus verse for you all to take a swing. |
This one will be a little harder, so I up the stakes on the prize for this one. |
If you correctly answer, Dog Pound will be your butler for one week.|
So, here it is. I need to know the name of the song, and the artist.|
I've got a blonde on my lap, a brunette on my right,|
and two black haired babes just walked in the door.|
And another just walked by and snuck me a touch,|
just like Bustarhymes, I say "gimme some more."|
This blue eyed daisy, her hair was so wavy,|
I asked if she dug me, she said "it's more than a maybe"|
So I looked in her eyes, and I moved in close. I said:|
"Hail to the king, baby."|
These girls have all gone wild, now how cool is that?|
I gotta get some.|
Drag your mouse between the stars for a surprise!
GRAEME IS GAY!
|Nov 20, 2001|
Rblords.com: The Year In Review
Welcome to november. It is time to have a massive update. About two and a half Megs massive. So get some supplies, and sit down. I have decided to present the year in review. It has actually been a pretty busy year. We saw girls coming, we saw girls going. We were at showgirls, we saw the world turn upside down, we saw some serious shit. We travelled the province and discovered love. We learned a lot about each other. It has been incredible. I SALUTE YOU ALL!
Oh man, that shin thing just seems to go on forever, doesn't it? I spent some time digging through an entire year of rblords updates. It was amazing. I laughed, I cried, and then I went for some BK. I have made a record of some of the biggest moments in the last year for rblords. Click on the date to relive the love!
Here are the 18 best rblords posts of the last year, presented in no paticular order.
The More Better Car.
In the month of March, Unit3 provided spitfire with this incredible picture of the new corvette. Unit3 has been a big part of the rblords family for years. Except he left.
Picture of Audiophile from the Seventies.|
Back in May, Spitfire found this awesome picture of everyone's favorite guy. There was much delight when it was first posted, and it led to audiophiles confession that he's actually 36 years old. Yes, that picture was taken when he was 9! Talk about early elephants with afros!
Farm Accident Number Five.|
This picture was part of a series of farm accident pictures posted by Spitfire back in August. Rblords has always been a leader in safety, and along with our partners, Sask Energy, would like to remind you that for everyone who loves you, come home safe tonight. Also, stop doing drugs.
The Cuff Heard Around the World.|
Based on a true story, this update tells the brief tale of when Dog Pound ran into the safeway, and cuffed the famous Jon Voigt. Mr. Voigt told team rblords that "that was not the nicest thing that anyone has done for me." Dog Pound was jacked up on Limp Bizkit at the time.
The Month of August in Review.
I thought I'd give this article mention, because it was one of the largest updates ever put on rblords. As well, it was one of many that offered Dog Pound's property as a contest prize. As for the contest in question, it is important to note that Audiophile won it. Dog Pound has yet to hand over his Minidisc player to Audiophile.
The First Anniversery of Rblords.com.
Rblords turning one year old was probably the most awesome thing to happen since puberty.
Great Justice, Great Reporting.|
Rblords was probably te first website on the internet to report the "all your base" phenomenom. Try to prove it different, and I will forward your email to Unit3. Suck that, sucka.
Favorite Girl Dies.
Not everything reported on rblords is funny. This picture depicts the death of Favorite girl. Rblords has always brought you the cold hard truth. This picture, however is a work of fiction. It is a work showing the pain and suffering and the death that could come. It reminds us that everything good still has to die.
The Death of the Volare.|
Another morbid picture that has been shown on rblords, this picture portrays the death of the Super-Volare. Later that year, the Volare really did go to that great 5 star dealership in the sky. That car really whipped a horse's ass with a belt.
This picture of Cayley, taken in January of 2000, shows a nice young boy. But don't let the image fool you, he's really a cold blooded killer. No, honest. Spitfire has a picture of him with a knife and he looks really mean.
Back in August, Audiophile shocked the entire online world by posting the first uncensored pictures of a naked woman. It was here on Rblords that this media frenzy began. At the time, it made a lot of people angry. Now, thanks to Audiophile and rblords.com, naked people dominate the internet.
Giant Picture of Nicole.
This picture was featured prominately on the front page of Rblords back in Febuary. It recieved rave reviews for it's artistic merit, and Soul D went on to win the Pullitzer Prize and the Order of Canada for it, as well as six Emmy's and a free 600ml Mountain Dew. Originally, it was posted full size, which caused awful scroll bar problems. Spitfire has since resized the original posting, but you can click the above image to view it in it's entirety. The value does not diminish with age.
Whole Lotta 'Slaw!|
Audiophile posted this picture of the esteemed Spitfire back in
October in his story on the YC's Chitek Lake Escape trip. Spitfire is known in many circles as an unstoppable eating machine, with a gas powered trumpet that won't stop.
Burt Reynolds Joins Team Rblords.
In the month of June, Burt Reynolds joined team rblords and began editing Soul D's weekend updates. Everyone was excited that Burt Reynolds had joined, but were all confused when asked to call him "Turd Fergeson." Check out Steven's Back!
The SDB Server Winamp Skin.|
In the monthes leading up to the year 2001, Spitfire held a contest for readers to develop winamp skins for his server. Saul Behir entered an awesome skin from the SDB Server, but did not win the contest, as it had been cancelled. Saul has no regrets.
The Pike Lake 2001 Trailer.|
This trailer for the upcoming pike lake trip was one of the first such works in it's class. It was an exciting piece of work that made everyone who watched it very happy, and more importantly, want to visit pike lake. The Pike Lake Trailer video may have been outdone since it came out, but it will always be a classic.
This is certainly one of the most famous pictures of Spitfire ever taken. He is pictured here wearing one of his condoms on his head. Talk about double XL! He was a mad party machine during Tub 2K1, and not even the police could make him put his clothes back on. Party on, dude!
Goodbye to Showgirls!|
Spitfire and Dog Pound are pictured here saying good bye to showgirls as only they could. Show girls was shut down by the government of Canada because of the nudity. Everyone at team Rblords really misses the naked girls, but have found some level of solace in Spitfire's Play Boy Channel subscription. Viva La Tits N Ass! Viva La Rblords!
And so that concludes the top updates of the year. I think it is important that everyone recognizes the effort and challenge involved in this website. Not only that, but I'm certain that everyone reading this website has noticed how lazy a lot of city workers are. Have you ever wondered why? It's because Spitfire works so hard that the other workers can slack off. In fact, he works so hard that City workers in Calgary can afford to slack off. If it wasn't for Spitfire, all municipal governments would crumble, and the provincial ones would be struggling very hard.
Wherever you are, please put your hands up and raise the roof in recognition of the great efforts of Spitfire, but especially his great efforts. You'd better recognize, or I'll call the G-Hump collection agency to collect that recognition. Bitch.
Music has always been a big part of rblords, and of the rblords crew. I have prepared, to the best of my ability, the top 10 songs of the last year, based on listener enthusiasm, sing along value, number of people that I've seen dancing to the music, but especially personal bias.
Rblords Top Ten Songs of the Year:
- Night Ranger Sister Christian
- Shaggy Angel
- Nelly Furtado Turn out the Light
- Limp Bizkit Rollin'
- East Bank G's You Don't Wanna Fuck With Cayley
- Milli Vanilli Blame it on the Rain
- Dido Thank You (It's Not So Bad)
- P. Diddy Bad Boy for Life
- Ozzy Ossbourne Crazy Train
- Darude Sandstorm
To close this monster review, I have selected a montage of pictures that have been part of the weekend update history. Check this out:
|Sep 03, 2001|
If you're going to save the day, and you're hearing what I say, I fear
your touch and kiss is not enough. And if you believe in me, don't think
my heart's for free, I won't take nothing less than I give for love. Let
me tell you, you, you know I need a miracle, I need a miracle. It's not
physical, what I need to get me through.
Tell me that you understand, and you'll take me as I am. You'll
always be the one to give me everything. Just when I though no one
cared, you're the answer to my prayers. You lift my spirits high,
come one and rescue me. Let me tell you, You, you know I need a
miracle, I need a miracle...
It has been a long time coming. But I have brought to you an
update. This update lacks the finesse of my previous work, but it cannot
be helped. I am working under deplorable conditions. Due to my recent
problems with the Sisters of Mercy machine's power supply failing, I am
forced to correspond via Nicotrel. Nicotrel is like Alacatraz in a lot of
ways, largely due to the hard consonants in the middle of the
word. Enough about the electrical perils I have been facing, I have
volumes of much more important matters to relate.
...the simple kinda life never did me no harm...
Step back to the beginning of August. I commence my two week, plus one
day, leave of absence from my workplace. It felt good to leave behind the
high decibel levels of the press-room for the higher decibel levels that
spring forth from my Camaro's Mills-spec Stereo system. At first, my
retreat left me feeling disappointed due to the Leoville Rodeo trip being
canceled, due to YC's illness, and other complications. I did not hold
it against YC, and made the best of the time available. Simply put, I
engaged in nothing. I relaxed, and unwound. During this time, The
Humphries Mafia presented me with the gift of a 15 man bench seat for my
back yard. I thank them to this day. I enjoyed the first phase of my
vacation. However, the time to travel to Goodspirit lake was fast
...look at the stars, look how they shine for you...
Thursday morning I packed my 74 Camaro with my supplies, as well as my
sister and we traveled the three hour trek east on Highway 5, finally
arriving in Canora, Saskatchewan at about three in the afternoon. I was
very pleased that my Camaro made the journey on twenty dollars of
gasoline, after all, it does have a boss 350 under the hood. It was a
very undemanding experience at the lake. I visited with my relatives, and
enjoyed the slow time. I spent a fair amount of my days getting better
acquainted with my car. I cleaned it, and washed it. I spent time
polishing and de-greasing. I bought Scooby-Doo shoulder protectors. I
bought a stock air cleaner housing for it and painted it "raver
orange." I also ran some shiny silver ducting from the snorkel to the
grill so that my Camaro could taste some cold air. I even changed my
spark plugs. I visited with my Godfather, which was swell. I got to see
Bobbi-Jo, my Godfathers daughter, whom I hadn't seen for a great number of
years. It was really nice to see her and her children. She has a
wonderful, one year old, baby girl named Julia who insisted wearing my
Bronco's hat backwards, just like I do. I can tell that she will be a very
cool girl. There was a massive feast at Wong's Cafe on Saturday, and on
Sunday, Chest (Clayton Busby) and Dawn came and visited me for the
day. We had quite the adventure launching Chest's boat at George's
Beach. It cost him Two Dollars to use George's Boat Launch. Due to the
shallow water that this years lack of precipitation has yielded, Chest had
to navigate a very difficult channel, with only the instructions George
gave him to help: "Up, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Boat
Start." Other than the brief visit from Chest, I spent most of my time on
my own. Each night I would wander down to the beach and watch the meteor
shower. The sky was absolutely transcendent. I could see tens of
thousands of stars. The milky way was visible. And the shooting stars
were magnificent. I made many wishes that perhaps I shouldn't have. No
matter, wishing never does any good. But I still enjoyed the
spectacle. I find that I spend a lot of time by myself in places like
that. I need the time to think, to search for answers to questions that I
cannot ask anyone else. Sometimes I reach a moment of clarity, and I
become enlightened to some fact that I wish to understand. I usually do
not like the answers that come to me, and quite often am left wondering
how it is that I could suddenly know what is going on, but I never
question such revelations, for they are never wrong.
I had previously decided to leave Tuesday morning, but
my plans when I found out that Dog Pound would not be joining me, due to a
work related conflict of interest. It was, perhaps, a good decision.
...where do we go now? where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do
we go now? Where do we go now...
Tuesday night I was standing on the beach, as I had done every night
before. I was smoking a cigarette, and staring at the stars. I was
reflecting upon the summer, and all that it had wrought. The main topic
spinning in my mind was, of course, girls. I was feeling especially
lonely that night, and was rememering all the fun that I had at Emerald
Lake in June. I was wondering how many years would pass before I would
meet someone interesting again. This time, there was no preminition
imposed on me. But soon I would learn the answer was about ten
minutes. I went for a walk up the road and was soon invited to a small
party. I met some interesting people there. One was a special girl named
Tiffany. It is not every day that someone meets a pretty girl who
apprecitates GNR, Camaros, and Rye Whiskey. Although it is doubtful that
I will see her anytime soon, if ever, I will never forget her. The next
morning I stowed my gear and headed home.
...fuckin' up my whole life. So I'm on my way, I leave today, if I
get away, then it will be OK...
I would like to, at this time, inject a small story into this August
Epic. I promised Chest a while back that I would talk about football for
a while. So I shall.
They say football is a game of inches. And truly, it can be. Two teams
train hard everyday, and work to exhaustion, sometimes ending careers, for
a few inches. Perhaps the worst thing that I have ever seen in football
is when one team runs the clock out. Think about this: Two teams, we
will call them the Spartans and the Titans, are playing a game. Going
into the game, the Spartans knew that the Titans were a superior
team, but they trained hard, knowing upsets can happen. Their coach told
them they have to want it. That they have to want it more than the other
team. Flash forward. There is a minute and a half left in the Fourth
Quarter, and the Titans have possession. The Spartans played the best
game they have ever played in the history of the franchise, but are still
down by 21 points. Neither team has any time outs remaining. The
Spartans know that they are going to loose. They not only have to regain
possession, but score three touchdowns in a minute and a half. That means
getting the ball, and executing two onside kicks, with no room for
error. Nearly impossible. What makes this feat more impossible is that
the linemen have to reach the Titan's QB before he can ground the
ball. Every player lines up on the scrimmage line and sets up for the
impending rush. Some players are simply going through the motions,
knowing that it is only a matter of time before the end of the game, while
others still want it. The center snaps the ball to the QB and the
Spartans surge forward. Every muscle straining as hard as it ever
has. The heart pumping, the mind willing, and every second of a lifetime
of conditioning and training is channelled into one instance, but before
one foot is in front
of the other, the QB has grounded the ball. Now they have to stand around
while the Titans run down the play clock. Second down and everything
repeats. Some players keep telling themselves that they can get to the
ball in time. But they do not. And soon enough, the game is over. There
is no climatic final play. There are no heros. Only a team that was
outgunned to begin with, left to hopelessly watch as the final thirty
seconds roll off the clock, while the Titans organization wanders the
field, congratulating each other on a victory they knew they had to begin
with. In that time, it sure sucks to be a Spartan. That is pretty much
all that I want to say about football right now.
In the still of the night, I hear the wolf howl honey...
And then Jet D stepped forth and said: "Let there be Tub 2001."
I think that this years annual hot tub extravaganza was the largest in
history. I have to say that I found this to be the most stressful party I
have ever thrown. Not that I am complaining, for the annual hot tub party
is a labour of love, but it was very hard to deal with the estimated
combined head count of 200 people from the four nights. For those who are
gawking, I have counted each person once for each night they
attended. And then there were the gate crashers that needed evicting
friday night. Special thanks to the Holowaty's, specifically Tyler's
Cousin's friend, for sending all of Rylie's to my yard. Thursday night
was an intersting start up to the party, with Chest Busby's naked ass
invading my house. Not to mention naked Dog Pound and naked Crystal
Bideaux. Besides the gate crashers, Friday was a pretty good night. I
met an amazing girl who I hope that I will see again, but every day doubt
it more. I doubt I will forget her anytime soon, though. Saturday night
was less chaotic than Friday, no gate crashers, only police. The cops
to my yard, shone their spot light right on Chest's naked... chest, and
promptly left with little said. Key moment: remembing to take Dawn's
off of my head before speaking with the police. Special thanks to the
bringing four 14 year old girls to my house at 4:30 in the morning. When
Sunday night arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief. At every year's hot
Sunday is my night to relax. It is a much quieter party, with only a few
close friends. We listened to music and drank very lightly. Special
thanks to the Holowaty's for bringing a drunk 17 year old girl that they
found and drugged up with mushrooms. Actually, she was very
nice, and, to tell the truth, I felt a little sorry for her, on account of
how hard the
younger Holowaty's were hitting on her. She didn't seem too interested,
but was no doubt thinking, "I'm drunk, I'm stoned, and these guys are my
ride home." She did all right.
...I can feel it, coming in the air tonight, oh no...
And so I found myself with my holidays drawing to an end. I spent Monday
cleaning the yard and preparing the tub for pick up. I couldn't help but
take some solace in the knowledge that I could finally rest. The whole
summer had been very enjoyable, and very busy, but I was lacking my inner
peace. Tuesday night I regained my inner strength and confidence when I
succesfully tested for the rank of 5th gup. I spent the rest of the week
in quiet meditation.
Motorin' What's your price for flight? In finding Mister
Right? You'll be all right tonight.
The following Friday, a special trek was made to Joe's Cabins, situated on
notorious Candle Lake. With every visit, Candle Lake has tried to claim a
victim from our fold. Some may remember when the tree fell on Dog Pound,
as well, there was the year when Chest almost drowned pursuing his
dingy. This year was no exception to the rule, as there was another near
loss. Friday morning, a jovial bunch of us were traveling
north. Chest, Dawn,
myself, Dog Pound, and most noteworthy, Erin Winkler, made the journey in
the trusty 65 Bel Air. YC and Vance arrived much later in the Supra. YC
learned that day that it is not as easy to find Candle Lake as he may have
thought. Of course, all of us were excited that Erin joined us. She made
the commute from Cow Town especially to join us that weekend. Thank you,
Erin. When we arrived, we discovered, much to our delight, that we were
staying in a gigantic barn like structure with two floors, and a balcony
with an excellent view of the lake. There was much insane boating on the
rough waters. Erin proved that she can handle a sea bisquit like
nobody's business. But, if you think that is impressive, you should see
her with Limp Bizkit. Saturday, we almost lost the Bel Air to the lake
when the parking pin gave out, causing the car to roll into the lake, deep
enough to fill the back seat and trunk with water. YC bravely saved the
classic machine. We had fun singing Kareoke and playing with
fireworks. Everyone eventually ended up in bed with Dawn. I served a
glorious Ukrainian lunch, and we played great Ukrainian card
games. In conclusion, we all had a great time almost burning Joe's Cabins
And that brings this update nearly to an end. I have only a few more
things I wish to mention at this time.
Jet D's Top Six Songs of Summer 2001:
- Hanging By A Moment - Life House. Desperate for changing,
searching for truth, I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after
you. I'm falling even more in love with you...
- Red Neck Girl - Bellamy Brothers. ...and I pray that someday I
might find me a red neck girl...
- Put it On Me - Ja Rule. Where would I be with out you? I only
think about you. I know you're tired of being lonely, so baby girl put it
- Angel - Shaggy. ...despite of my behavior, you are my
savior. You must be sent from up above. And you appear to me so tender,
well I surrender. Said thanks for giving me your love.
- I Don't Believe in You - Joee. ...took in your lies for a while,
now I see through you. I still have my pride and it keeps me alive. See,
I don't believe you. No, I don't believe in you. How can I trust
you? So now what you gonna do? Because it's always about you...
- Boiler - Limp Bizkit. ...sometimes, somethings turn into dumb
things, and that's when you put your foot down...
And because I like to keep my promises:
Heather is a really great girl.
Sweeter than an ice cream swirl.
I wish she would stop trying to grab my ass. Not that there's anything
wrong with that, but she's barking up the wrong tree.
If you can name the title and artist for each lyrical excerpt that I have
subdivided this update with, you will win something of Dog Pound's.
...ps: if this is Austin, I still love you.
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